Autistic Masking: The Emotional Off-Switch

I was watching Harlots when I had a moment that stopped me cold. Harlots is an absolutely fascinating Hulu series about rival 18th century brothels and the women fighting to survive them. Totally interesting take, you should check it out. 

Anywho, there’s a young girl named Lucy. She’s maybe 14, 15. She’s grown up in this life, her mother is a madam of one of the brothels. She sold her virginity maybe a week ago, give or take. Or maybe longer. Honestly it’s hard to tell time within the show. Or maybe that’s just me… *sigh* ADHD time-blindness is so real. She’s with a client and she’s struggling. Afraid to look. Afraid to move. Just frozen in something she clearly doesn’t want to be doing. And I’m thinking, “Girl, just get over it. Shove your feelings down and just do what you got to do. You don’t need to be good at it. Just look at him!” 

Then I stopped. Most people feel their feelings. Which means she has to listen to them. She doesn’t get to just… turn them off. Unlike me. I can squish mine down like they were never there. Pretend they don’t exist. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m feeling half the time. And then it hit me like a bus — how many times did I do something I really didn’t want to do because I was trying to hide the real me?

I learned real fast that it wasn’t safe to feel my feelings. Unfortunately, I spent so long hiding the real me that sometimes I forget she’s there. Probably worth figuring out who she is. 

You know, eventually.

Did you learn early to shut yours down too? Drop a comment below.

Keep going, folks.