Mom Guilt, Chronic Illness, & The Mom I Pictured

Sometimes I feel like a failure. 

I was going to be the mom I always pictured. Suzy Homemaker, you know? Doing art or science projects, fun scavenger hunts, and going to nature parks and playgrounds. Throwing DIY, Pinterest-worthy parties. Making dinner every night and fabulous holiday meals. Making their lunches with cute little shapes and fun notes. Making bread and pies from scratch.

The Mom I Pictured

Am I that mom? I was. We did a few full-on art and science projects every week. Played games or cards every day. We went to playgrounds or nature parks a few times a month. Side note: this is FL and it’s too damn hot — on that one I was dreaming. Threw Pinterest worthy parties that I spent at least a month planning and hand making games, presents, decor, and food. Hand drew chore charts and therapy journals. Planned activities for every 30 minutes of road trips. Made dinner most nights and even made bread from scratch several times a week. Never did get the pie thing down though. Always ended up with the dreaded soggy bottom and undercooked apples. Oops.

Holidays were especially a major event. Like Easter. It was a full day of fun with games and treasure hunts and we always had a tea party for lunch. When COVID hit and I created a yearly Halloween party with handmade monster treat bags for the candy treasure hunt, created games to get candy, and activities. A whole day dedicated to Halloween fun. 

Finding My Art Again

Even when my physical stamina started to fracture, my brain was still running a million miles an hour trying to stay ahead of the chaos. I tried a million different types of chore charts, reward charts, poop charts, therapy projects, and art projects to help the kids stay organized and entertained. 

We couldn’t afford to buy commercial printouts or fancy organizational tools, so I just sat down and started drawing everything by hand myself. 

And then, a funny thing happened. In the middle of trying to draw peace and structure into my kids’ worlds, I realized that drawing was an incredible coping skill just for myself. Creating those lines, controlling the layout, and making something beautiful out of raw ink became a quiet sanctuary for my own neurospicy brain. 

Then the Terrain Shifted

But eventually, my health plummeted even further. It feels like every day I wake up to find it’s taken something else from me. Dinner most nights went down to maybe a few times a month. Nature parks and playgrounds are completely out of the question now. I overheat in the air conditioning — under a fan! Outside in Florida? Nope, uh-uh, no way. 

Pinterest-worthy parties? As if. My kids’ last birthday party, I forgot to put up the decorations. I bought them, knew exactly where I wanted them, and then completely forgot. I also forgot to take a single picture. *face palm* It was a backyard pool party with a waterslide bounce house, Publix catering, and a decorate-your-own-cupcake table. I barely got the lawn mowed in time. Did they care? No. Did I? Hell yes.

And somewhere in there, I stopped being able to shower. I only had enough energy to either shower or care for my girls, not both, and taking care of my girls was always going to be the winner. Before I knew it, I was going two, sometimes three weeks between showers. It never even occurred to me to ask for help. One day my husband offered to help me. Something that simple… it had never even crossed my mind.

The Mom I Am

It’s different now but I try. Do I do projects with them and play cards all the time? Nope. But did I sit there and pretend interest and excitement as my oldest showed me every single Pokemon card she got in her three surprise packs? Oh, yeah. Did I give enthusiastic claps for my youngest’s 14,987th handstand of the day? Absolutely. Play Guess Who between tv episodes? Yup. We still have an Easter tea party too. I don’t make everything from scratch but we still do some version of it. Though I couldn’t this year. I was in a major flare and barely remembered to get them stuff. 

Sadly, my kids don’t even remember the old me which super sucks but they are fed, clothed, and know they are loved and I guess that’ll have to do. 

At least until they can give us new bodies… 

Are you the mom you pictured? Drop a comment below.

Remember, folks, whatever you can do today is enough.